It has been way too long since the last post. I’m not even going to make an excuse. I honestly couldn’t conjure up the effort to sit and type. Many bloggers, and fellow peers, I know will be able to relate and sympathise to this. It’s not that we don’t enjoy writing for our readers or that we’re lazy, it’s mainly down to the inability to come up with a concept that the reader will find entertaining and we as the writers will find pleasant to type up. It’s plausible. I promise.
I made mistakes. Too many mistakes.
First year, as we all know is full of lessons. Lectures and seminars aside, our free time consists of our own virtue. We choose where we spend our free time, our company and how we act in those situations. Naturally we’re all attracted to objects that glimmer a good time. I spent countless nights surrounded by friends, dancing, crying, laughing and making life long memories that would come and comfort me in the future. But surrounding those memories are moments that I would rather forget.
Sometimes we get so caught up in a moment we don’t think of the backlash it can receive if we aren’t weary of what we are doing or saying. I have no regrets when it comes to one bold incident, as it was an eye opening experience revealing more than ones true colour. But that aside even the smallest incidents can still haunt you. There were countless times where I now wish I had just said what I felt to certain individuals faces. It wasn’t anything abrupt, but I wish I had made it clear to them how I was feeling rather than painting a situation to where it could possibly have been misunderstood. (Girls, I think you know what I mean 👀)
I don’t want to start all my points off with “I wish” as that is something we can’t fulfil but instead learn from. That being stated, another situation which I have learnt and observed from is, you don’t need alcohol to have a good time. There were countless times, where we entered clubs with no alcohol rushing through our blood and those were spontaneous night that ended up being the best nights. You’re able to remember everything so vividly. The music, the smiles on your friends faces, the technicolor beams bouncing off the dancing bodies surrounding you.
I stood up for myself. Stayed classy. And for that I’m beyond proud.
I’ve struggled through out my life with speaking up for myself and for others when what is being aimed towards one is unjustifiably false. But this year I somehow built up the courage to correct someone’s judgement when required. Words are powerful when they are spoken but doing so whilst remaining classy is a skill I will forever pursue. I feel like that sentence speaks for itself. Never rise to someone’s insulting behaviour, their outcry of assumed anger is potential victory for you, especially when you know you’re in the right. Karma is a bitch. Even if you choose not to forget, the least you can do is forgive and move on. That has worked wonders the past 12 months. You can’t waste time dwelling on the past. It’s true when they say, “what is done is done” nothing can be repaired with negativity or regret. Learn from it and move in the positive direction life also offers you.
I had panic attacks, cried my eyes out and opened up to others for the first time in what seemed like forever. The latter being a significant achievement.
I never thought someone would be able to make me open up and talk about my troubled times. The darker parts of my life I had buried for so long. Unveiling it all to someone I had only known for a few months. This person gave me a new insight to the benefits of admitting “I’m not okay” and “I don’t want to walk around with a forced smile on my face.”
I have flaws but during those moments with that individual, I was able to embrace and appreciate them. Maybe not accept them entirely but admire the fact someone, who is not me, may view them as a beauty.
The future is unpredictable and sometimes things don’t work out the way we hope for. But with time you learn to be thankful and cherish the memories that when looking back still make your eyes gleam and your smile sheen.
There are three weeks left until move in day. When this chapter will start again.
For a change, being apprehensive isn’t the first emotion that comes to mind. Instead, an overwhelming mixture of excitement, dedication and determination to make second year the best year yet is my current emotion and goal.
I’m soon to be 20 years young and of course I will make mistakes and regret them instantly. But I’m living my life and I’m grateful for the freedom I get with every day that passes.
I try and prevent planning for the future, but setting milestones isn’t harmful and can help motivate you to reach your goals. So don’t be afraid to do that. I certainly won’t be.
till next time,