I wish I could simply explain the constant drilling in my ears. There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my body and mind right now, that I thought I should write them all down.
The tension is back in the house tonight. It’s the petty arguments that are truly draining. You try and stay out of something but you are dragged right in the centre of it. My mum means the world to me. She is my inspiration and the definition of strong. The women on my mother’s side of the family are the most hard working and striving women you could ever have the pleasure to know.
I don’t speak enough about my dad. If I were to tell a complete stranger about him, they’d probably see him in a negative light, a light that I have spent the last 18 years trying to shadow. You always try to see the positive in people, even after all the bad things they have done. My dad isn’t mentally stable. Some may refer to him as Bi-Polar. My parents have a toxic relationship, but even so they still have managed to find a little part of something that keeps them together.
I’m trying to hold back the tears as I write this but my anxiety is pushing my thoughts to the negative light. I’ve always wished for a happy family. A family who get on and a dad who is “normal”. It is so mentally draining to hear raised voices on a daily basis. I blame myself for pushing my mum through this hazard of a marriage by having prevented her from taking us far away all those years ago, from the man I now call my father. A man who can be so happy one minute but the next is a complete vile stranger.
I try and cling to the knowledge he isn’t well, but how much longer can you cope being (metorphorically speaking) held under water. Every time the brief period of normalcy, of him asking how my day at college was or what shall he make for dinner, a sense of hope becomes apparent. Hope that everything is normal and as it should be.
My friend just snap chatted me asking me how my nights been. God knows how much I would like to tell him what’s truly going on inside me. But the pain to even burden someone else with my problems aren’t something I see as helping me or them.
I’m so mentally exhausted, but I know, from hearing about my mum’s heart breaking past, you have to keep moving forward. I hate to think of the what ifs of when I leave home for uni in a couple of months, but nothing will change with me being inside this “home”.
I’m not okay. At this moment in time, I need the rest that is available within this Easter Break to get the sleep and mentally prepare for the exams in June. Who knows if I will ever be okay. Both my past and present life have been a never ending rollercoaster ride. A ride that is beyond the reach of halting.
I can assure you guys, I will never let something or someone stop me from reaching the places I could only dream of, & neither should you.
Until next time guys, lots of love, M.
“A light that never goes out” – The Smiths